The new way I've been replying to invitations
Rude, honest or both.
This is what I’ve started saying when I’m invited someplace I don’t want to go:
”Oh no, I’d hate that”
As far as RSVPs go, it’s fairly direct, sure. So in these early stages of trying out this response, I’m limiting it to people I know well and only using it in when I’m confident they won’t take offence. Like when my cousin invited me to the tennis for a work thing. Or when my friend suggested we go to a bottomless brunch.
Oh no. I would hate that.
So far, the response has been surprised yet appreciative of my candour. And I feel liberated from the fake excuses or resentment that comes from agreeing to something I don’t want to do.
I understand this will not work for everyone. Particularly, if you’re a Guesser.
On Outloud this week, we spoke about the difference between Askers and Guessers the main one being in how they approach making requests and interpreting social interactions.
Briefly:
Askers are individuals who believe it's acceptable to ask for anything they want or need, understanding that the answer might be no. They are direct in their communication and don't hesitate to make requests, even if there's a chance of rejection. Askers expect that others will decline if they're unable or unwilling to fulfill the request.
Guessers, on the other hand, operate on the principle that they should only ask for something if they're reasonably certain the answer will be yes. They tend to use indirect communication, dropping hints or making vague allusions to gauge the other person's willingness before making a direct request. Guessers often interpret requests as expectations and may feel uncomfortable saying no.
This fundamental difference can lead to misunderstandings when Askers and Guessers interact:
1. Perception of requests: Askers see requests as simple information gathering, while Guessers may interpret them as expectations or obligations.
2. Comfort with rejection: Askers are generally comfortable with hearing "no," whereas Guessers may find it difficult to reject requests.
3. Communication style: Askers tend to be more direct and clear in their communication, while Guessers often rely on subtle cues and indirect language.
4. Proactivity: Guessers are more likely to anticipate needs and act proactively, while Askers wait for explicit requests before taking action.
Understanding these differences will help reduce misunderstandings and friction in all your relationships and looking through the Asker/Guesser lens this week, so many people suddenly made sense to me.
You see, I come from a long line of Askers. My parents are Askers. My husband is an Asker. So are my kids. I’m excellent at advocating for myself. I’m direct.
This does not make me better than a Guesser but it makes me easier to read.
I know this because some of my closest friends are Guessers and often I can’t shake the sense I’m somehow disappointing them. Now I know that I certainly am a disappointment because they expect me to guess what they want and I am waiting for them to ask - which they never will, no matter how close we are or how desperate they become.
At first, I couldn’t see any advantage to being a Guesser. Seemed frustrating. But then I realised that Guessers have some excellent qualities that Askers don’t.
Guessers are observant and they take initiative. They notice when you say you’ve heard great things about a particular restaurant and they’ll book it for your birthday without you having to ask. They won’t be the one who says “I’m so sorry for your loss, what can I do?”, they will just drop off food, send you a voucher for a cleaner or organise to pick up your kids from school.
Askers wait to be….asked.
And we can come across as demanding or entitled perhaps? When we ask for what we want. Here we are discussing it on the show……
Some of my outfits this week……
